What's Love Got to do With It?

It's good to be introspective. That's why people who like to write, do for the most part, actually... write. So, today this post is just an introspective look. Unedited. Uncut. As I am getting older, and have a bit more time for reflection, I guess, I am learning various extra things about myself. Painful, sometimes, but cathartic always; and therefore essential for the fine tuning of my character. And at other times liberating, and empowering.

I have a fear of loving people. Maybe most of us do, on some level; after all, who likes rejection? None of us, I assume. However, my issue with loving people is so deep, that I have lived my life until now, not knowing that it was there. Well, I had inklings of some nebulous thought of an illusive knowledge somewhere in my cerebral cortex. Never reaching my conscious thought, I have lived my life in denial of this huge problem that affects my dealings with my spouse, my kids, my siblings, my nephews and my friends. This all pervasive modus operandi of how I live and love is impacted further by the obvious flip side to the issue at hand, that is that I, have a difficult time accepting that I am loved. I do not know when or how this all came about but I see that it is so. Huge concept! The real issue though is: how do I attempt to fix this, assuming that it is a fixable problem--it has to be a fixable problem!

I turn to God, as always, and realize that I have also always struggled with the thought of whether He loves me or not. When things are going good, I assume that He does, but when they aren't, I am convinced that He doesn't. But then I know He does, deep down inside me. So I battle with myself often. It's sad that the circumstances of our lives can mold us to such an extent that it almost seems that even God cannot reach us.... Almost! As I try to find comfort in Him, to ask for the assurance of His love, I see Jesus on the cross, and I am comforted. I am sad that I have to look on such a huge sacrifice to be reassured, but really nothing else would have showed the depth of His love for me. Even in in that He has loved me.

Being loved so completely by God, provides the joy I need to by simply give myself to my loved ones, unabashedly, without fear of rejection. I have decided that I am not going to look for rejection in every glance and raised eyebrow or tone of voice. I am going to live for God first and all my other loves come after Him. If rejection comes, or when it comes, I have my Heavenly Father's arms as a safe place to fall into. That is both liberating and empowering! And joyous beyond measure.....